Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
