Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
