My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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