I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
