Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize