I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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