I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
When did angry sex become our thing?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
