I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize