I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
