Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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