I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dear god my vagina.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
