How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
