Your face is a jimmy john
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
