"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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