I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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