Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
