I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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