i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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