If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
