Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
