20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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