you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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