just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm gonna fight the coyote
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
