The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
this boner is exhausting
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
