you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
