just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
