Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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