I can tuck mytits in my pants
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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