and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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