Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
