I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it hurts more in the daytime
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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