I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
