I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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