Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
In America we eat man semen.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
