I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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