How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
