I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
