I want you more than these girls want KFC
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
