so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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