M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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