if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You smell like stripper and shame
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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