There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
farters have to be the big spoon...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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