I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
