I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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