Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
