how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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