Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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