Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
