dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
