After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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