I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
