do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
