I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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