Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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