you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
