I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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