new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
