Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
